Well, Thanksgiving came and went and I began to lose hope of ever seeing Waldro again. By Christmas day I was resigned to the probability that Waldro had definitely left the building. It took three consecutive viewings of “A Christmas Story” to revive my spirits. Then, the day after Christmas, to cheer myself up I went bowling with a bunch of old fogies. I bowled very well (although several of the fogies bowled better), and actually forgot about Waldro for a little while.
But there was no mail.
Instead I found Waldro, branded butt and all, comfortably seated on the dining room table.
Next to Waldro there was a note:
DEAR JON;
I’M SORRY I HAD TO SKIP OUT LIKE THAT.
DON'T BE MAD.
I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF SOME BUSINESS IN A HURRY.
BESIDES. ALL THOSE PEOPLE. ALL THAT NOISE. TOO MUCH.
I WANTED TO WRITE AND TELL YOU I WOULD BE BACK,
BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. IF IT ISN'T ONE THING ITS ANOTHER.
ANYWAY I MET THIS REALLY CUTE CHICK. HERE'S A PICTURE
OF HER WHEN WE WENT ON THIS PICNIC. SHE SAYS SHE MIGHT
BE ABLE TO MEET US IN FLORIDA NEXT YEAR
SO HERE I AM. I’M BACK.
YOURS TRULY,
WALDRO, THE BITTMANN BEAR
And so, two months after he took off to explore the world, Waldro is back in Leonia. Everyone’s happy, our little family is once again whole, and all is forgiven.
However, I’ve let Waldro know that by taking off during the Friday night mixer, he missed out on all the Saturday and Sunday reunion celebrations. Now he’s begging me to take him along to our 70th Birthday Bash.
We’ll see. What do you think?
HAPPY NEW YEAR
45 years ago (or so), the wonderful Allen Sherman introduced us to one of the funniest parody songs ever written. Anyone who’s been to a summer camp recalls the delicious first-day agony of being abandoned by your folkds and left there in the wilderness, surrounded by a bunch of kids you didn’t know (unless you were paired up with your whiny little brother or sister.)
“Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda,” captures that awful first day with a perfect set of lyrics.
Today, while summer camp may be just a misty memory, many of us are returning to a camp of sorts, and we’re doing so not just willingly, but joyfully. They're called Adult Communities, but we know better. They are summer camps, except you get to stay all year. And the amenities are spectacular. Instead of outhouses, you get a marble master bath with jacuzzi. Instead of chipped beef on toast, there’s an Early Bird Special, complete with a glass of White Zinfandel and rice pudding for dessert. Instead of counselors who harass you, you have Social Directors…who harass you. Instead of an alligator-infested lake you have a beautiful pool. And you also get a softball team, a bowling team, a tennis league and a weekly poker game.
Summer Camp was never like this.
However, it was the memory of Allen Sherman that inspired me to write the following lyrics. If you’re not sure of the tune (I know all you Chansoneers will be able to sing it immediately), just go to YouTube and search “Allen Sherman.” You’ll find several versions of the original song. Then come back and take a shot at singing, “Hello Brudda, Hello Sista.”
Hello Brudda, Hello Sista
(Lyrics by Jon Bittmann who at the time was channeling Allen Sherman)
NOTE: This is a duet. Rosary and I will be performing the song at the next monthly meeting of the Players Guild of Leonia, on Thursday, March 19.
(Harold and Sophie)
Hello Brudda
Hello Sista
Here we are at Rancho Vista
It’s a village that’s quite nifty
But to live here
you must both be over fifty
(Both)
Folks who flock here
are retired
But a few of
them got fired
When their corpor-ations downsized
And they found themselves
abruptly disenfranchised
(Sophie)
Even though we’re
rather new here
We’ve made friends and
quite a few here
There's the Ryans and the Mintzes
Sally Ryan
makes the most delicious blintzes
(Chorus-- Both)
Sell your home,
my darling Sista
Move down here
to Rancho Vista
Though your kids
may beg you please to stay
Just say
you’ve got to get away
(Harold)
Monday Bowling
Tuesday Sewing
Such a schedule she’s got going
Wednesday Cooking
Thursday Knitting
Friday Majhong
There’s just no time left for sitting
(Sophie)
Harold’s really
having fun, too
Always something
he must run to
Like the golf course,
it’s quite sporty
Just this morning
Harold shot a hundred forty.
(Both)
Don’t delay
my darling Sista
Make the move
to Rancho Vista
Though the kids
may beg you please to stay
Just say
now it’s your time to play
(Both)
Real nice people
here on Wickley
But my next door
neighbor’s sickley
Triple bypass,
hip replacement
Did I tell you that these homes
don’t have a basement?
(Both)
Wait a minute
Sirens wailing
CPR seems
to be failing
Hurry sista
There’s a vacancy at 47 Wickley
Monday 12/29/08
get here quickly
I’ve posted the photo of Waldro and his new love on my profile page. She’s quite a looker, a real southern belle with a killer smile. However, I’ve warned Waldro to keep a close eye on her, especially at meal time.